Roz - BeWild Unleashed

From “I felt like my spark had gone out” to “life is awesome!”

Roz is a Compliance and Risk Executive who came to Jen because she knew she wanted something different, but didn’t know how to change. Roz started off with a one day retreat, then went on to have some 1-1 coaching and later signed up for the ultimate journey in growth: BeWild Unleashed. She shares some of her journey below.

What was life like before you first started working with Jen?

“I was very scared of a lot of things. I lived in a state of lack, I had a negative slant on things and at the same time I felt sure that it didn't have to be like that. I was working in a in a relatively high pressured, exceptionally masculine environment (financial services) for a long time and had constantly been given the feedback of “you need to be more aggressive. You need to be more. You need to make your presence felt.” The feedback I always had all through my career to that point was almost be more like a man, and that was just continuous stress.”

What made you reach out to Jen?

“I felt that life could be more awesome. When I first came across Jen I felt like my spark had gone out. Life generally was just “turning the handle”. You sort your family out, you go to work and you know it's not fun, but it's “ok”. And then you come home and you cook the same food and you do the same things. And then you go back to bed and then it all starts again. I knew I did not come to this Earth to do just that, but I had no idea how to change.”

You spoke to Jen about coming along to a one day event, but although you were keen you nearly didn’t come, did you?

“We had a conversation and I wasn’t sure I could afford it. I still remember that conversation and I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of “are you not worth just a day?” I didn't feel pushed into it at all, but she kind of blew on the embers a little bit and at the time I didn't know that I was [worth it], but it was just enough to get me there.”

You made it! And what did that one day open up for you?

“On that very first day I had a peek into some of the possibilities. I remember playing in the woods and I remember asking if it was OK for me to go and jump off a log. I mean that was just something that I had never done! We sat around the fire and poked it with sticks, and I was just allowed to be a little bit of who was inside me. That one day kind of pushed the door open just enough for me to go, “I have to find a way of doing more of this.” Even just the flashes of real connection with an inner me, the connection with the outdoors and the fire and the other ladies there, and it was just like “yes, this! This this and more!” It gave me an insight. A bit of bravery. And it showed me that I could be absolutely terrified and still do it. I remember feeling that everybody in the room was really lovely and I thought I didn't measure up to anybody and I thought Oh my God, this is terrifying, but I still felt safe. And I think that is one of the things that's always worked when I've worked with Jen. I’ve always felt safe. Psychologically, energetically safe, and I think that's one of the key things that the younger part of me, the inner core of Roz has always needed, and then that allows the openness that allows the bravery that allows the “I'm going to give it a go because what if it's great?” to happen.”

Even though originally you weren’t sure you could justify the money for the one day event, you then went on to invest in further work with Jen. What would you say to women who are wondering whether they can justify spending that money on themselves?

“You’ll have all the “am I worth it?” thoughts but there is no price that you can put on your well-being! If a member of your family was ill, you would pay your very last penny and more to get them seen by the very best people, to get the very best input, so that they can live their best life. That's what coaching does for you. It gives you the tools to learn how to how to live your best life. How to be healthy. You know you can't fill from an empty cup. And it's just so true. I think I certainly come from a generation where I was told I was selfish and arrogant to put myself first, but having coaching is one of the most selfless things I think I've ever done because helping yourself find your worth, finding your own path, finding your light enables you and emboldens you and gives you the energy and the passion and the drive to be able to help so many other people. So it's not arrogant. It's not selfish. It's necessary if you want to have any kind of place in the world, I think. But yes, self-worth is something that a lot of women struggle with. And even if you can't see it for yourself you know that your need to give and your need to support means that you have to find a level of acceptance of that self-worth. And embrace it, because otherwise you can't do that cherishing and nurturing and supporting. There are some people who will take a very long time to understand and accept their worth but the only way is to put yourself first.”

You’ve had an incredible transformation over the couple of years that we worked together. Could you explain a bit more about the journey you went on and how it helped you?

“Jen took me through some of the One of many™ [coaching] stuff which I found really resonated. Being a single mother quite early on, being in a very male dominated job, for some reason I'd kind of become very distanced from other women. I certainly felt that women couldn't be trusted. I kind of believed the hype that being a woman makes you weak. That being a woman makes you mad at different times of the year. That being a woman means you can't control your emotions. I had accepted this and I lived that for a good many years. One of the big things for me over the past three years is reengaging with the feminine. And by that I don't mean I have to wear long floaty skirts or have my hair done or whatever it is. It's not that. It’s reengaging with half of my being.”

You then came on a couple of one day retreats in the woods. What did you get from being back out in nature with Jen?

“When I came for a day in the woods it was astonishing because for me that wasn't doing, it was being. Taking all the layers of shine, glitz, materiality away and what you're left with is something really true, and I think that's what you get from nature. You get this peace and this stillness and taking a day just to be, to slow down. I mean, that's been the story of my three years: just slow down. Taking the time to notice and Be and not Do. Remembering I’m a human being, not a human doing. It could have been very challenging, but again, the more you embrace things, the more you just open yourself up to it and go “I'm here to do something different because what I was doing isn't working”.

In nature you get some time away from all the materialism. And yes, you still have a cup of tea. But actually it's just the opportunity to not have to do anything. To turn up and just kind of surrender yourself to what is. You’ll find it, but not if you're rushing past. So for me that was a big learning and it's something that started in those one off days in the woods.”

A few months later you decided to jump into BeWild Unleashed - the year-long programme of four wild retreats, monthly group calls plus some 1-1 coaching on top. What were some of the challenges and highlights for you?

“I had some exceptional realisations during BeWild and there are some things that will stay with me forever, including some moments that I almost struggled to believe were true! There was some real magic that happened in those in those woods, and with that group of women. Again, it was a place to be. To be scared and to do it anyway. I loved the village aspect, that was one of the key things for me. That's what I went in thinking that I needed the most and that I wanted the most. It was also my biggest challenge, because I had a strong fear of being rejected. You know, trying to make friends and then just kind of ending up on the outside. And obviously, knowing all of those ladies now, there's really no way that was ever going to happen! But it was a very real concern for me at the start. So for me being accepted and being a real part of a little sisterhood was just very, very special to me.

Another highlight was to have the opportunity either through the monthly calls that we had, or through the retreats, to just put everything else down. To pick up my rucksack, pick up my tent, leave it all and just go out into the woods, into nature, for challenges, but different ones. That really helped to put everything into perspective.

The night walk we did was probably one of the most exceptional things I did, and I loved the way that [the programme] followed the seasons. You know the wheel of the year and you know the changing of the seasons and none of it is good or bad, it just is and I think that that is one of the very strongest lessons that I've learned. You know, you might like winter, or you might not. Or you might like the summer or not. But it just is. And how you deal with that and how you decide to interact with that is all on you and that gives you such a level of control over your life that sometimes perhaps you don't think you have.”

How are you different now as a result of going through BeWild and being with those challenges and insights and the support of the tribe?

“I can ask for help now! On Dartmoor I had a very big learning experience, where I couldn’t do certain things and had to ask for help, had to allow other people to help me. I've always felt that I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't need anybody and you know, life is hard when you when you approach it like that. [Asking for help] doesn't make you a weak person. It doesn't make you needy. It doesn't make people not like you. Being able to share your vulnerability and to ask for help is one of the most lovely things. It's almost a gift that you give to other people. It always felt very disempowering to me, very weak. But actually, being able to accept your limits and say “I need some help please”, and knowing that there are people there who absolutely 100% have got your back and will do whatever they can to help you, that's exceptional, and that continues to this day. I learned a very strong lesson and I am a million times better at it and a lot happier and relaxed and more me as a result.”

Could you say a bit about the camping aspect of BeWild, for anyone who's thinking “oh I want to do it…but…camping?!”

“I used to be all over camping when I was younger but as an adult I was a relatively senior office-based person. I was somebody who stayed in hotels. I didn't go camping. I wouldn't even stay in a caravan! I didn't have fires. I didn't even do barbecues. I didn't do gardening. None of that kind of stuff! But BeWild is not survival of the fittest or anything. I mean yes, you sleep in a tent, but if you want cosy things, you take cosy things! And you wouldn't want to be in a hotel room down the road because then you're not part of it.

There is nothing that can really beat waking up in your toasty sleeping bag with your toasty blankets, with the sun coming through trees, or you can hear the little pitter patter sometimes on your tent. And you think, well, it might be wet, yes? Again, you can choose how to respond to that. It's all part of the experience and no, you won't have a shower first thing in the morning, and you won't be able to plug your straighteners in, but nobody does and nobody cares and that's not what you're there for! You're there to embrace Nature and all that is.

So I would say give it a go. You don't know how to put a tent up? Well, I can guarantee there'll be at least two people there who do, who will help you. You don't know what to wear? Jen will give you a list of things. Follow it, borrow or buy the things. I really enjoyed getting back to it, actually. No, it's not the same as staying in a four or five star hotel, but that's not what you're doing BeWild for. It all helps. The being mindful and the thinking about things and the slowing right down. The mindfulness of looking after your tent and getting it all pegged up properly and putting your layers on. It's all part of the same process. It's the slowing down, it's the connection. It's all one and the same, so I would say jump in. It opens a whole new world for you again, or reopens it.”

How is life for you now?

“Life is awesome, I've got to be honest. Life is awesome! Is everything fixed and brilliant? No, but life is awesome because I learnt that I can choose to make it like that. I can choose that. Anything that happens to me is awesome or it's learning, or it's not. But you know what? If something's awful. I'll be OK. If I can't do something, there'll be somebody else who can, or if I can't do it now, I'll be able to do it later. If something's meant for me it will come eventually. You need to be mindful enough and aware enough and grounded enough to recognize what's for you. And you can't do that when you're blinded by materiality and rushing about and doing all of the things. I'm a completely different person from who I was three years ago. I love that person to bits, and I'm so glad I'm not her anymore. She was the one who went “Go on then I'll come” (to that first event), and if I hadn't, I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now.”

Is there anything else you'd like to share for anyone that might be thinking of doing some of this work?

“Be prepared for how amazing you are. And don't be scared of it. Or be scared and do it anyway!”

Roz Dixon-Burnett

Check out more BeWild client stories and reflections live from the fireside over on my YouTube channel here: BeWild: in the words of participants